We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
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I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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