i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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