I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
