All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
