my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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