A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
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She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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