matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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