I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize