When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
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She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
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I need to sanitize my soul.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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