how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I party with great urgency now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize