I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I am spending my child support on dildos
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
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I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
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We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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