You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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