All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
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I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
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However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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