I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
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He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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