I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
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We left an ass print on the piano.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
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My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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