my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize