please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
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I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You need Xanax blowdarts
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Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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