I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
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It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
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I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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