You made me cry and you don't even care
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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