two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
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sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
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I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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