Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
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She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
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I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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