She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
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I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
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To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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