Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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