you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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