Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize