i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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