have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
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I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
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Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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