My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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