you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
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You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
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Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Damn victory sex feels great
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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