At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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