I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
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threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She's just so happy...and so naked.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
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Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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