Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
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Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
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I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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