It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
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I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
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I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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