its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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