And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
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She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You don't make any sense
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