Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
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i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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