I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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