Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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