While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
zippers are such a cool invention
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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