a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
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Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
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Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
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