All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The Olympian is in my bed
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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