my phone needs a breathalizer
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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