I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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