are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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