I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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