i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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