I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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