did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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