I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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