You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
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He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
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Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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